Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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