My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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