When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
