when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
