If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
