Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
