a search helicopter?!
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
