Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize