I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
