I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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