i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
