Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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