Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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