She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
