Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
