I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
