She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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