Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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