I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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