Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
