Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
