So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
