Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
