New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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