I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
