Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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