i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
