There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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