see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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