i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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