Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
