Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
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