dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you had me at cake vodka
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
