my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize