how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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