I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
