I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
