I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
