I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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