I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
