the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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