dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
