he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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