I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize