Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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