Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
