i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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