hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
