I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize