Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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