My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
