I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
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So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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