either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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