You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
