non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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