You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize