I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
