Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
