I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
