just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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