Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
