Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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