now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
