I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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