my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
