You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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