i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
