Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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