Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
