i dedicated my morning wood to you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize