honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
we're so committed to being not committed
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
